Once Upon A Time In West London

So, just three days to go until I head off to Morocco. THREE DAYS! Woo hoo!

I've saved up my pocket money and raided my bank account for the two hundred pounds spending money that I would be taking with me after work. I probably won't need that much but better to take more than less and bring it any left back with me.

So there's me heading home, plugged into my MP3 player, with two ton burning a hole in my sky rocket (sorry just been watching Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels) when I get on a packed bus at Shepherd's Bush. It's the first stop but the bus stops a bit further down than usual so I'm nowhere near the doors when they open and what seems like a hundred people burst through the doors ahead of me.

It's one of those new long bendy buses that are unfortunately popping up all over London. They're bloody awful. Bring back the routemaster! All is forgiven!

The few seats are designed by contortionists for midgets or other contortionists and it's the kind of bus that struggles to go round bends without taking over the entire junction and blocking all traffic in the process. It's eighteen metres long ffs!

So I get on....All the seats are taken but there's room in the fun "bendy" section of the bus, the bit that connects the two halves. I hold on tight and the bus heads off..

One thing that always strikes me as funny is the number of people who get off over the next two stops. This is funny because they aren't further than five minutes walk away as the bus goes around Shepherd's Bush Green.

So the bus empties slightly and a "home boy wannabe" sidles in beside me. Way too close beside me! He's leaning against the left side of my body, where the money nestles in my pocket.

"Whoa, why is this guy using me as his leaning post?! He's way to close to all my money!" I think to myself.

The bus moves on. I look over. He doesn't appear to have noticed or doesn't care. I shrug my left shoulder to try and politely nudge him off. Once...twice...no response!

Hey, I'm not going to stand here by some guy with attitude thinking that he can lean on me through the entire journey!

This time I don't nudge. I purposefully shove. He shoves back! He says something. I can't hear him, I've still got my ear plugs in. I switch my MP3 player off and remove the ears plugs and shove them into my pockets....slowly.

I give him an angry look.

Me: "Sorry?"
Wannabe Home Boy:"Why you shoving me man?!"
Me: "I'm not shoving you, you're leaning on me"
WBH: "There's lots of room. Move!"
Me: "I was here first."
WBH: "Nah man."

Then I had a stroke of genius:
Me: "Why are you rubbing yourself all over me?! What's that all about?"

I supposed that I've questioned his sexuality. He looks around nervously. I have no idea which way this is going to go. I tense. Then something happens that swings it my way. Another wannabe homeboy yards away adds a mocking laugh that's obviously directed at WBH#1.

WHB#1 has no reply. He looks down, embarrassed and is saved by the fact that a few more people have just got up and freed up some space further down the bus. He moves away.

My victory is tempered by the fact that I still feel that I need to spend the rest of the journey keeping an eye on him out of the corner of my eye. He never looks up once. Maybe he wasn't such a bad kid after all but had to keep up the pretence to fit in with his surroundings. I've burst his protective bubble. I almost feel sorry for him. Fear is in the mind of the beholder but it never pays to be careful.

WHB#2 (who now reminds me of Nelson from the Simpsons, right down to the laugh) takes out a permanent marker and starts tagging the side of the bus. *sigh*

PS: What a crap preachy ending eh? Well I'm tired. I might improve it at some point. Or not. But hey, this time next week I'll be in Marakesh! So who cares, pah!

:O)